Written By: La Daana Kada Kanhai (Her Eldest Granddaughter)

It’s April 2023 and my grandmother, one of my heroines, has passed away. For over three decades, this remarkable woman has been a bright light in my life. Today, in the midst of accepting that her physical presence will now be a memory, I release this piece in celebration of her life.

Sunday evenings, family gatherings, delicious food, laughter, incredible stories and discussions; these are some of the things that instantly come to mind when I think about my grandmother.

Parboodaye Khalawan, fondly known by her grandchildren as nanny or mama, has held the title of wife, mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, sister, aunt, friend and neighbour. After my grandfather (Hayman Khalawan) passed away in 1989, she became the matriarch of her family. At that time, her immediate family consisted of eight (8) children, one (1) son-in-law, one (1) daughter-in-law and three (3) grandchildren. According to my parents who both had full-time jobs, my grandmother was the one who took care of my sister and I until we started attending primary school. I have few memories of those early years but the anecdotes indicate that we loved spending time at her house. Apparently, as a toddler, I had a habit of packing a few of my grandmother’s ceramics in my bag and taking it home. The ceramics would overnight at our house and the next morning I’d return with them. Sometimes, my sister and I didn’t want to leave my grandmother so we’d end up spending the night at her house. Retrospectively, I suppose that is why my grandmother’s house has always felt like my second home.

Sunday, that’s the day that I associate with my grandmother. Once we started attending primary school, Sunday evenings were usually reserved for visiting my grandmother. My grandmother was a faithful member of the temple in her village. On Sunday, she attended the morning service and met up with the other members of the temple, many of whom were her close friends. I cannot remember having a conversation about this but I imagine that these Sunday mornings were precious to her. Although my grandmother and I were not of the same religion, she was a Hindu and I was a Presbyterian, our Sunday evening conversations often included what happened at our respective places of worship on the Sunday morning. My grandmother taught me that people can have different beliefs and still respect and love one another. This remarkable woman never made me feel less than because we had different beliefs. I have a distinct memory of her calling up my sister and I after one of the prayer services at her home and proudly introducing us to the pundit. Many years later, at one of our Thanksgiving services, I was able to do the same and introduce her to our Reverend. Through her actions, my grandmother demonstrated her belief in God and the importance of being a part of a community.

Family was a priority for my grandmother. As I write this, my grandmother has eight (8) children, four (4) daughters-in-law, three (3) sons-in-law and ten (10) grandchildren. You would think that with this number of people in her immediate sphere of influence that she’d be out of the loop. However, this matriarch was very much in the loop with what was going on with various members of her family. Their well-being was related to her well-being. If ever anyone was in trouble, she was the one leading the discussion about potential solutions. Once she was on your side, this woman had your best interests at heart. Even though a few of her children had migrated, no ocean was too wide for her too cross if her loved ones were on the other side. I suppose that hearing the voices of her children and grandchildren over the phone was not enough so she made it her business to physically check up on them by travelling overseas to visit. My grandmother taught me that if you cared about someone, no matter where in the world you were, you’d find a way to check-in with them.

I’m not sure if it was intentional or if it happened by chance but my grandmother fostered an environment for community building. She was a woman that loved having her family around her. In addition to the Sunday evening and school holiday visits, special days like New Year’s Day, Mother’s Day and Divali were always celebrated at her house. Family gatherings were synonymous with delicious food, laughter, fun and great discussions. My grandmother was an amazing cook and my sister and I were definitely part of her fan club. Her cooking style was old-school in that she never used recipes or measuring cups/spoons and yet her food was always fantastic. I remember having conversations about this with her where she’d explain the things that I had to pay attention to when making a particular dish. Up to this day and in my mind at least, her Parsad is still ranked as the best I’ve ever tasted. At family gatherings, her grandchildren always produced a great riot of activity due to our endless games of cards, Monopoly, etc. It was at these gatherings that we (her grandchildren) learnt new games and improved our skills. It was at these gatherings that stories were passed down from one generation to the next.

Generosity was something that I learnt from the actions of my grandmother. Whenever I visited my grandmother’s house, she would always offer us something to drink or eat. If she had baked or made some treat, we often left her house with some. Anyone that was invited to my grandmother’s house for a family gathering always left with food. She was intentional about her giving and she was definitely a cheerful giver. Her children and grandchildren were often on the receiving end of her giving. Every time I received something from my grandmother, it was as though I were receiving a little reminder to be a blessing to somebody at some point in the future.

If you were lucky enough to spend more than a few minutes in the company of my grandmother, you’d have realized that you were in the midst of a great conversationalist. She was a great storyteller; all you had to do was ask her about something and she would launch off. She was also a woman with a sense of humour and she told you what was on her mind. My grandmother was also a great listener and she was always very interested in what I was doing. I remember telling her about the research expeditions that I’d been on and the places that I’d visited and she was always very engrossed and engaged in the story. My sister and I often thought that she possessed the skills of an investigator. If she were curious about something, it was almost guaranteed that you would be bombarded by a series of questions. I suppose that this was her way of making sure that she had a good grasp of whatever you were telling her. Looking back, my grandmother used the oral tradition of transmitting information to the younger generation in her family.

My grandmother and I shared a mutual appreciation for flowering plants. When she was able, my grandmother with the help of my uncles maintained her own flower garden. Many of the flowers that bloomed there were often used for her daily devotions. The garden was one of the things that my grandmother and I conversed about. Every time I visited; I’d check up on her plants to see what was blooming and if they needed any attention. Whenever she came to our house, she’d have a walk around and check out our plants. If there was something that she wanted, I’d often organize it for her. One day, I distinctly remember my grandmother walking me over to her neighbour’s house to collect a red anthurium. I’m not sure how it happened but my grandmother must have told her neighbour that her granddaughter loved plants. Every time that anthurium bloomed, I thought about both my grandmother and her generous neighbour. Many years ago, I went to a funeral and witnessed the grandchildren of the deceased placing beautiful roses on the coffin. Since then, I made a mental vow that any flowers that I had to give to my grandmother would be given when she was alive and could appreciate them.

The future has always been a key part of my grandmother’s life. She was a woman that thought about and planned for the future. I’ve never seen my grandmother carrying around a physical ‘to-do list’ but I’m positive that she had a mental one. Months in advance of an event, my grandmother was known to start preparations; booking the date, making sure she organized help, sending out the invitations via her children, etc. If she got wind that one of her children would be visiting from abroad, that became an event that needed her attention. The small, everyday actions of my grandmother undoubtedly served as her most successful approach of planning for the future. A rich legacy of important life lessons that were taught through actions is what my grandmother leaves behind now that her physical presence is no longer with us. Already when I look at various members of our immediate extended family, I see examples of people who are devoted to their families, people who believe in God, people who have generous spirits, people who foster community building. And so, long after her physical body is gone, my grandmother’s impact will still be felt in this world through the actions of her children and grandchildren.

*When I first started writing this piece in May 2020 (after my grandmother fell ill), I was in tears and it took me a very long time to move beyond the first line. Indeed, it cemented a reality that I was not yet ready to face. Yet, throughout that week in May 2020 as I worked on this piece, I found myself smiling because the memories that I have with my grandmother are beautiful ones. On Mothers’ Day of 2020, after asking everyone to give me a few minutes alone with her, I shared this piece with her. At that time, we both cried. Today, I am at peace knowing that my grandmother knew how very much she meant to me. 

All my life, my grandmother has been more than someone that I am simply related to, she has been my friend. Today, I celebrate having someone as awesome as her in my life!